Aries | It may not be easy to make a mess out of your life this year, but things will definitely get even messier when you get a total do-over to “Live Your Best Life.”
Taurus | Your love of singing live and rousing speeches will be exposed when your bosses insist you attend one of the words-only sessions on Wall Street.
Gemini | There’s no greater honor than to finally deliver what you promised your American mother for over 60 years.
Cancer | You will finally realize that the human brain is kind of a compromised device when you can’t conjure up an Internet escape hatch.
Leo | You may wonder about the severity of the effects of your ingestion of so many bad people’s blood this year, but you’re sure it’s okay.
Virgo | Despite all odds, there won’t be anymore deaths by volcano in your lifetime, but take heart: There’s a good chance that large numbers of lives will be ended in the next century, because that’s the way the nation’s future is going.
Libra | It’s time to put an end to all these false reasons that you love and trust someone. People just aren’t that stupid.
Scorpio | Unless you have a videotape of “Nine To Five” that will mysteriously show up at your front door, you’ll probably get fired from the front desk next week.
Sagittarius | The year 2021 will be the year in which you realize the real reason you loved your childhood pet, another dog named Stupefy.
Capricorn | Catch your ship early, or else you’ll be stranded on the side of a moonless reef.
Aquarius | For the last 25 years, you’ve lived in a house under a jagged crucifix with only a cupboard and a termite-riddled coffee table for walls.